OK, here goes -- a set of revisions for "My Mandolin Sings" posted in this blog on May 6:
As I mentioned at the time, the second verse is a little wobbly in places, but not in so many that I can't live with it the way it is.
The third verse has issues that bother me, some of which I've mentioned. So, here is the first full try (after many cross-outs) of the third verse:
Brooks babbling and firs swirling
The mandolin cries
Tails twitching, wings unfurling
Their natures arise
The woodland spirits calling
By day or by night
Whenever mercy's falling
The mandolin cries.
I post this one with a red face -- because this is actually worse in many ways. Oh, "woodland spirits" and "natures arise" ... ecchh. They don't really mean anything, and they don't connect to anything else in the poem specifically that might suggest what these "natures" and "spirits" are or may refer to.
While it does correct the "-ing" issue with the first try at a third verse and puts the "-ever" word in the penultimate line as the other verses have it, the second try makes so many other mistakes, including even more artificial phrasing, that it "cries" for more work.
I have Try Number Three, and I'll try and post it soon.
Till then.
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